Last week, I wrote about my man crush. This week, my dream job: working for him. If I could write the local version, it might look something like this.
FADE IN:
INT. THE NEWSROOM. OFFICE FULL OF MOSTLY YOUNG, LIKELY UNDERPAID OR UNPAID INTERNS. ALL CARRY STARBUCKS COFFEE CUPS. SOME HAVE ONE IN EACH HAND. THE CAMERA PANS AROUND THE ROOM UNTIL WE FOCUS ON
JOSH MCAVOY, THE ANCHOR OF THE NEWSROOM BC, YOUNGER BROTHER OF THE MORE FAMOUS NEW YORK CABLE VERSION AND CHARLIE SKOK - DIRECTOR OF NEWS OPERATIONS. THEY ARE IN A HEATED ARGUMENT.
JOSH MCAVOY
It wasn’t a meltdown.
CHARLIE
I’d call it a meltdown.
JOSH MCAVOY
You calling it a meltdown doesn’t make it a meltdown.
CHARLIE
Us saying the term meltdown repeatedly within a very short number of sentences increases the perception that it was very much a meltdown.
JOSH MCAVOY
I was asked my opinion and I gave it honestly.
CHARLIE
In a room full of university journalism students you said that the premier had little going for her beyond an empty smile and generous cleavage.
JOSH MCAVOY
I’m not sure I was incorrect in my assessment.
CHARLIE
You’re the anchor of the number two rated newscast in this market.
JOSH MCAVOY
There are only two newscasts in this market.
CHARLIE
There are three.
JOSH MCAVOY
Nobody counts the CBC.
CHARLIE
The federal government does.
JOSH MCAVOY
They’re the only ones watching.
CHARLIE
What were you thinking?
JOSH MCAVOY
I wasn’t thinking....I just...I looked out into the audience and I thought I saw...(fades off)
CHARLIE
Thought you saw what?
JOSH MCAVOY
Never mind. It’s not important.
CHARLIE
Anyway a lot of people are very unhappy with you.
JOSH MCAVOY
(lighting a cigarette)
Most people are unhappy with me most of the time.
CHARLIE
Not your audience.
JOSH MCAVOY
Especially my audience.
CHARLIE
(taking the cigarette out of Josh’s mouth)
Why do you think you can smoke in here?
JOSH MCAVOY
I like smoking.
CHARLIE
Name one place in the province of British Columbia you’re allowed to smoke indoors.
JOSH MCAVOY
The premier’s office?
CHARLIE
Probably not.
JOSH MCAVOY
Because you might accidentally drop ashes on her generous cleavage.
CHARLIE
I really want you never to say that again.
JOSH MCAVOY
Scout’s honour.
CHARLIE
How do I know I can trust you to keep your word on this?
JOSH MCAVOY
It’s a new thing I’m planning. I’m going to civilize Mission.
CHARLIE
You mean you’re on a mission to civilize?
JOSH MCAVOY
No. I mean I’m going to civilize Mission. If I can bring those hillbillies into the civilized world the rest of the Lower Mainland ought to be a piece of cake.
CHARLIE
Please don’t say that publicly either.
JOSH MCAVOY
Do they have tv in Mission?
CHARLIE
They do.
JOSH MCAVOY
I’d heard that but I imagined televised monster-truck show coverage conflicted with the consumption of news and current events.
CHARLIE
And speaking of changes...
JOSH MCAVOY
(interrupting)
We weren’t speaking of changes.
CHARLIE
It’s a charming conversational quirk to change topics mid-sentence when I can’t think of a suitable transition.
JOSH MCAVOY
According to who?
CHARLIE
Whom.
JOSH MCAVOY
Really?
CHARLIE
It can be another charming affectation to correct people on their grammar when the conversation needs a humour interjection.
JOSH MCAVOY
So you were mentioning changes?
CHARLIE
Yes. I’m calling it TV for BC 2.0
JOSH MCAVOY
What kind of a name is that?
CHARLIE
One that implies change. New direction. We’re taking the show to a whole new level. I think your meltdown was just the spark that we needed.
JOSH MCAVOY
It wasn’t a meltdown.
CHARLIE
Whatever you say. I’m primarily just bringing it back up as a "callback." In improv they call it "reincorporation."
JOSH MCAVOY
Another charming conversational affectation?
CHARLIE
Now you're doing it.
JOSH MCAVOY
And who is going to spearhead this Newshour 2.0?
MIKAILA
(offscreen)
I am.
Josh doesn’t even turnaround at first. MIKAILA MCTAVISH enters.
JOSH MCAVOY
You can’t be serious. There’s no way this is going to work.
CHARLIE
Josh, you remember Mikaila.
MIKAILA
Josh.
JOSH MCAVOY
No.
CHARLIE
Because you were romantically involved for over three years and she cheated on you, concealed it for a period of time and then revealed it to you?
MIKAILA
Hey! How did you know all of that?
CHARLIE
Despite your ability to keep live television on the air, for hours on end when necessary, you lack basic understanding of simple social media and you accidentally posted it on Facebook where it was seen by thousands of people, including all of the employees with whom you’re going to work.
MIKAILA
That’s been revealed to everyone already?
CHARLIE
We’re running short on time and heavy on dialogue.
JOSH MCAVOY
Why do you think you can just waltz back into my life and start running my newscast?
MIKAILA
It was more of a sashay than a waltz and your newscast isn’t doing the news that people need to see.
JOSH MCAVOY
What people?
MIKAILA
The people of Vancouver. The people of B.C.
JOSH MCAVOY
And what news do the “people”
(he does obnoxious air quotes)
...need to see?
He takes the still lit cigarette back from Charlie.
JOSH MCAVOY (CONT’D)
We do stories about the weather. People need to know about the weather.
MIKAILA
People don’t need to be told about the weather. They can stick their bloody heads outside the window and they’ll know what the weather is.
(Mikaila has inexplicably picked up an English accent which will go unexplained for several episodes)
JOSH MCAVOY
We provide detailed coverage and analysis.
MIKAILA
Analysis of the weather? What the hell can you possibly be analyzing?
JOSH MCAVOY
How people feel about the weather. We ask the man on the street. People love that.
CHARLIE
Do they?
JOSH MCAVOY
And what about live hits? We send reporters out to show us live what the weather is doing. And don’t even start talking to me about when it snows. That’s serious news requiring wall to wall coverage. There’s no better up to the minute live news than showing cars sliding on poorly ploughed roads.
MIKAILA
We can do so much better. We will do so much better.
JOSH MCAVOY
And quirky weather guys...eating Japa Dogs from street vendors. We do serious work here, Mikaila.
CHARLIE
She’s right, Josh. We’ve been feeding people the same thoughtless crap for years now. They’re just used to it. They’ll get used to better news.
MIKAILA
This is Vancouver, Josh. There are important issues that need to be covered.
JOSH
You just said it’s Vancouver. What issues could we possibly cover?
MIKAILA
Serious, important, life-changing issues. Have you tried to turn right off of Dunsmuir lately? It can’t be done.
JOSH
I know it can’t be done. It’s illegal.
MIKAILA
That’s right. It’s a pedaling oligarchy at City Hall.
JOSH MCAVOY
You’re gonna build a new newscast on bicycle lanes?
MIKAILA
There’s so much more. Traffic. Stories about how expensive it is to live in Vancouver. Following the Real Housewives of Vancouver’s real lives.
CHARLIE
Plus constant speculation on whether or not Gregor Robertson will run for the NDP leadership.
There is a pause, primarily because after seven or so pages of rapid fire dialogue they’re nearly all out of breath.
A young intern enters.
INTERN
Josh, Mikaila? I’m sorry to interrupt but we have an alert.
MIKAILA
What is it?
INTERN
It’s raining. Hard.
JOSH MCAVOY
Okay. You got people outside? With slickers on?
INTERN
We do. A live hit is setting up with pedestrians downtown.
Single, reaction shots of Josh, Charlie and Mikaila. Charlie nods.
INTERN (CONT’D)
There’s more.
MIKAILA
What?
INTERN
It’s windy too.
All three exchange serious looks.
CHARLIE
Holy shit.
JOSH MCAVOY
(looking at Mikaila)
This is what I’m talking about. This is TV for BC.
MIKAILA
(sighing)
You’re right. Let’s get a full crew on this.
(yelling to the newsroom)
I want full coverage, including millimeters of accumulation and how it relates to our annual averages for this month. I want satellite map coverage, four or five seconds worth rolling back and forth. And dogs. We need to see wet dogs.
Reporters and crew scurry around the office.
FADE
Next week: the young adult novel
Posted by davidrussellbc
at 12:01 AM PST
Updated: Thursday, 28 November 2013 10:52 AM PST
